Our baby Temwika

Where to start...

We lost our baby Wednesday morning.

I just want to write out everything that happened, I think it will help me process, and gives people opportunity to know in some way what we're going through.

On Sunday just after lunch we were in Louie Bull at church with the Abt family. I went to the bathroom and found I was bleeding. I freaked out at first, but settled down and just enjoyed some of the conversation we were in at the time. I went to the bathroom again and found blood again, I was then quite concerned, and about to bust into tears infront of a bunch of poeple I had just met for the first time. So I wispered to vinj that I was bleeding and thought we should go. We went striaght to emergency, they got me into a room with in 30 minutes.

They booked me in for an ultra sound for Tuesday afternoon. So I had to wait at home in bed all day monday. I was quite hopfull because the blood was gone for most of monday. We though everything was ok.

We went in for the ultrasound on Tuesday, and got the results that afternoon, the doctor said the baby was fine in the womb like it was suppose to be. the only thing was it was 2 weeks smaller then it should have been, but he said it could have been them miscalculating ovulation. So we still had hope the baby was growing and everything was ok.
I got home and found I was bleeding more then I had yet... while watching American Idol I started to cramp quite badly, I was in alot of pain by 11:00pm, and the bleeding was not letting up. I was very upset and couldn't stop crying, at the same time trying to controle the pain. The pain was going right into my back, when we told the nurses over the phone they said I should come in right away.

So we go to the hospital I think at 12:45am, They got me into a room right away. the doctor came in to see me, he said we could still be hopfull for the baby. We would only really know after I had another ultra sound. By this time I was had very sharp pain, and although the doctor was trying to be hopful, I could feel my self loosing my baby...

More the physical pain was my heart, I could't believe I could be loosing my baby and not be able to do anything about it. My heart was broken, at the same time trying to cling to the hope the doctor was trying to give. Vinj was holding onto hope very much. I was worried about him because he couldnt feel what I was feeling physicaly. They put an I.V into my hand, after that they told me vnjelu had to go home. I was SO SCARED and burst into more tears, I kinda freaked out actually. In the end the nurses ended up bending the rules a bit and let me stay in a different room and let vinjelu say all night with me. (I can't imagine not having him there beside me at such a time). I sleped quite well through the night. I even woke up feeling good, I had some real hope then.

But an hour later I was in more pain then I even been in my life, never felt anythign like it. Vinj was really upset, he didn't know what to do. I didn't want to take any pain killers that could possibely hurt the baby. So I had to wait untill my ultrasound. They got me in almost right away.

They had to do an internal ultrasound, it hurt like I can never discribe. I was so devestated.

The doctor came about 30 minutes later to tell us we had lost the baby completly. The good news from him was that they didn't have to scrape my uterus out ( D and C). Wich was going to be scary in it self.

They gave me two viles of morphine after that, wich was pretty much an instant pain killer.

We were both develstated. Shocked, I mean really shocked, everything happened so fast. We though it was ok, and then it wasn't and then it might be...

When we drove away from the hospital I cried and cried, i just couldn't believe we were leaving behind our baby, all the dreams and hopes we had for him/her.

I still feel like maybe it didn't all happen, it might have been a dream and I still have the babay. That thought stays for a few seconds and grief replaces it.

Vinj and I desided to name our baby Temwika (Tem-wee-ka) it means LOVE in vinjelus native Tumbuka. This baby was love, we loved it even before it was concieved we loved the thought of it, we loved every moment we shared with Temwika over the past two months.
Vinj and I have learned about love more then ever. And so our baby is Temwika.

We lost the baby yesterday, I don't know when the tears will stop...

It's hard to talk on the phone at this point...

I am on T3 every 3 hours for the pain. Thank you to those who gave us beautiful thoguhtful gifts, for the e-mails and the phone calls and the visits. Thank you for the love, it means so much.

Kathryn